The Components of Effective Parenting Plans

The Parenting Plan is a key document for divorcing couples, as it contains the specific agreements regarding the shared welfare of the family’s children.  Each Plan has three fundamental components, all of which are crucial to effective parenting:

(1) developmental needs of the children,
(2) unique personal development and continuing tasks for each individual child.
(3) level of cooperation of the parents.

(1) General developmental needs of children. 

Children’s developmental stages influence how they might adapt to the new family conditions that divorce introduces into their lives, so that they need different family structures according to their stage of life. Research on children’s development has led to a general understanding about each age group. While there are varying theories of how and why children change psychologically as they grow, there is well-established agreement about what children of each age level need, what life issues they face, and how best to meet their needs. An effective parenting plan needs to take these general considerations into account in order to develop time sharing, visitation schedules, etc. 

(2) Unique personal development of each individual child.

Developmental psychology outlines broad, general expectations for children of varying ages. However, children develop at their own pace; thus, there is great variation even within a specific developmental stage. Though we can describe what a typical two year old is like, the two-year old in front of us cannot be described fully (or perhaps even accurately) by developmental theory alone. The needs of any particular child will be similar to those of others of the same age, but the more accurate picture of who he or she is will depend on the child’s specific capacities, experiences, and family, school and community environments. The best parenting plan will take into account a reality-based understanding of each child, not one simply based on developmental theory alone. 

In divorce (as well as in intact families experiencing difficulties), there are particular considerations that further complicate the developmental picture. Under the stress of parental conflict and/or divorce, children may adopt behavior patterns that are inappropriately “tuned in” to what they see as the family’s needs, rather than their own. Children under this kind of stress figure out what they need to do to preserve their security or to try to keep their family together. For example, otherwise self-directed kids may become whiny and dependent, and dependent kids may try to act more maturely in ways for which they aren’t yet ready.  Such reactions can have longer-term detrimental effects on children—the efforts to hide or exaggerate their anxiety, sorrow, fears or weaknesses take an enormous toll on energy really needed for growth and authentic development. 

Similarly, many children adopt “strategies” to try to meet what they see as their parents’ needs, or to keep the family together. Thus, they may tell one parent that the other is not parenting well, that they don’t want to be with the other parent, etc. This is often done in order to keep the love of the parent they are with at the moment, or as an attempt to raise enough concern that the parents will come back together in order to resolve the concern. Although these fantasies are more powerful and ‘real’ for younger children, this type of distortion as a strategy may underlie even the behavior of older children as well. 

These child “strategies” may have the unintended effect of fostering conflict and undermining the collaborative process in making parenting plans. Parents do need to listen to their children, but even more, they need to understand what their children are feeling and experiencing below the surface of their words or behavior, and support them as they struggle with the immense event in their lives that is divorce. In making effective parenting plans, parents need to remember that their children are in great stress as their family changes, that they will often resort to whatever they imagine could help to make it better, and that only effective, collaborative co-parenting will relieve that stress—regardless of how tempting it may be to believe the child’s strategic efforts. 

(3) Level of cooperation of the parents. 

The single most important contributor to children’s adjustment in the face of divorce is the degree of cooperation and collaboration of their parents. Research has shown that children do better in virtually all aspects of life, throughout their lives, when they experience the basic sense of security derived from consistent, effective parenting. In divorce, that security is at least temporarily threatened. Parents who collaborate effectively soon re-establish that security for their children as the kids find out that they will be well taken care of within the new family arrangement. However, when parents continue to be unable to agree and cannot collaborate in meeting the needs of their children, the child’s experience is that any parental response is thrown into question by the reaction of the other parent. As a result, the child is left with the worry that his worst fear may be realized: that he will not be taken care of as his parents bicker and disagree. They see and sense the lack of support that bickering parents’ have for each others’ efforts, may even feel it is their own fault, and their trust in a positive result is eroded. 

This failure of collaboration undermines the children’s experiences within their divorced family. Moreover, as the pattern repeats itself, it has the overall effect of damaging their basic sense of security in the world—the core element of successful adaptation to life.  

We believe that children can be well taken care of in divorced families. We believe also that they can continue to grow and thrive once they have adjusted to their new family situation. Their parents’ ability to set aside remaining conflict between them, particularly with regard to all circumstances that affect the children, is the essential key to this potentially positive adjustment. 

--Lou Levin, PhD 22 January 2007