Or, Maybe It’s Hell to be 12 years Old Nowadays, But We Can Help

(By Lou Levin, Ph.D., for the staff manual of the Georgia O’Keeffe summer program, Art and Leadership for Boys)

Boys in the 11-13 year old age range are facing the major transition of their lives, and they are facing it in a culture which is desperately trying to take advantage of them without offering them the support they need.

At this age, the comforts of childhood are still the most familiar. Childish thinking is generally concrete and often linear, childish emotions are about who did what to whom, and the child’s view of life is having fun. Working at something is a thing you have to do because they tell you to- although he can work for hours on end at beating the levels of a video game. Or, actually, in fairness to our guy, on anything that really catches his interest. Of course, if you can get some other guys stirred up, you won’t have to do whatever it is they want you to because they will be paying attention to the problem and will be too distracted to make you do it. Plus, its fun watching someone else get in trouble because you can have your negative thoughts (e.g., This sucks!”) and not have to be responsible for them. Don’t ever think these boys are dumb. 

At the same time that childish impulses are still very much on the scene, the pre-teen boy is also beginning to feel stirrings of new thought-processes and feelings. His brain’s neural circuitry has now developed to the point that he can begin to think abstractly (that is, the relationships among things rather than the things themselves. Example: (Before)- I can throw a baseball good. I can throw a football good, too. (Now)- I throw baseballs and footballs straight and far; I must have a strong throwing arm!). And, of course, his body is beginning to change- whether or not that’s obvious on the surface. His budding interest in sexuality often comes out as dirty jokes, lewd comments- and embarrassment should he be confronted on this lewdness by an adult.  We don’t need to be the ones who explain the facts of life to him- that’s for parents and sex-ed teachers- but a gentle “It’s okay, just be a little more respectful if girls are around,” can mean a lot to a boy. But if you find a remark truly offensive, let him know- again, gently. He seems to be crude, but, after all, he’s searching for how he’s supposed to be without much help. 

The various urges he may be feeling are still new and confusing, while powerful imagery is thrown at him at every turn so that he can neither modulate his exposure or turn off the images. Imagine what would happen to him if he said to the other guys: “Turn off that tv, I can’t handle all that sex and violence!”  And, if he’s not yet feeling these urges (because we all develop at a different pace), imagine the confusion at all that he sees and hears around him. Again, think of rap and music videos, and what the images and language must do to a mental (and physical) apparatus that isn’t yet ready for it. “They look very cool, but what was it again I’m supposed to do with one of those girls if I meet one?” Or, “I could drive like that!” -Never having been behind the wheel of a car. Or, of course you have to carry a gun, and if somebody hassles you, you just shoot, that’s all -never having felt the recoil after pulling the trigger, let alone seeing a real person get hit. 

Today’s boys are growing up in a society that throws them into adult issues with an intensity that is far too much for them. Whether or not they may look like they can handle or deal with it all (sex, power, etc.), underneath is the feeling that it’s all too overwhelming. No kid in his right mind is going to admit this, of course, because being cool is crucial, but you can see it in the edginess and the quick retreat to electronic games, etc. We (that is, the society that he is part of) should be supporting the several kinds of experiences of himself that he is having, allowing him to swing back and forth as success, failure, exuberance and plain fatigue dictate. But instead, he is getting all kinds of anti-integration messages from the media, sales corporations, and coaches, teachers, and parents who need him to grow up too fast and/or can’t stand the fact that he is growing up. 

So what does he have? Inner tensions between (1) being a kid- fun and easy, but powerless- and (2) being a man- or at least a teenager (more likely to be a role model because our boy is in the business of separating himself from “adults” who don’t know anything!)- powerful and exciting in a way he thinks he’s supposed to understand but is getting no help in integrating. He’s starting to think about things and trying to figure out this larger world he can now experience, but we don’t let him talk about it because boys are (still) supposed to be silent and strong. He keeps it to himself: “Don’t wanna be no wuss!” Rap music may be giving kids some outlet for inner life, as did rock before it, but its still pretty much a one-sided view of things. “What’s that b… think she be…, telling what it is to me!” ( Or something like that. I don’t actually listen to very much rap. But you get the point).  

Sounds like a mess. It is, but our young man is much, much more besides. He is beginning to be able to see what his own particular skills are, what he can do with his thinking and even, yes, his feeling, and, if you give him the chance, he will amaze you with his sharpness, insight, and the vitality of his dreams.  He will sketch a line, shoot a basket, make a knowing comment, or reach out to somebody in a way that clearly foreshadows the potential adult contributor to society. He’ll show you in brief glimpses the coming young adult that some other young adult is going to love dearly, and he’ll show you, even if only for an instant, the young man that will love back. If you listen carefully enough, he will teach you what its like to be his age- and the wisdom that is already inherent in his growing awareness of the world and how it works. 

If that’s what these boys are, and what they’re going through, what do we do with them? 

Answer: One theory of development says we go through life looking for people who will see who we really are, and who will themselves be people we can admire. If we get both, we generally do fine. 

So, we listen to these boys, guide them, talk to them, admire them, let them admire us, and set limits with them.  But, since no one can tell us exactly how to do any of that, really, the thing to remember is simply this: The main thing that boys of this (or any other?) age need is for guys older than them to like them, and to show them how to do it- authentically, thoughtfully, joyfully, willing to take chances, make mistakes, screw up and then fix it up, and loving life and its opportunities and responsibilities. We need to be good guys. It’s that simple.