TIPS ON GOOD PARENTING FROM A POSITIVE DISCIPLINE APPROACH

1. Make Your Discipline Constructive, Not Negative
Kids act more responsibly when they know exactly what it is they’re expected to do. Give clear directions and enforce the limits on your child’s behavior. Emphasize “Do this,” instead of “Don’t do that.” For example:  “Please put your toys in the box, or they’ll be taken away for the day,” instead of, “Don’t leave these toys lying around everywhere!” 

2. Encourage Good Behavior
A lot of the misbehavior that children show us really comes from their belief that they’re not good enough at what they’re supposed to do. Focusing on your child’s strengths and assets builds their confidence and self-esteem, and gives them the chance to do the right thing with confidence. Try to notice what’s good about them, and ignore, if possible, negative behavior if it is not harmful. 
For example: “The way you did that showed me you’re trying to do it right. You showed self-control by not ( the negative thing they might have done). That was very kind of you!” 
We also do this non-verbally: A smile, a hug, a wink, a pat on the shoulder, looking your child in the eye or reaching for their hand give support and increase their respect for themselves- and others. 

3. Emphasize Solving Problems Instead of finding Faults
There’s a pretty good way help children solve problems. It involves 
leading them through five steps. These are: 
(1) Listen and identify the feelings your child is expressing
(2) Have them think of some things that could be done to solve the problem
(3) Have them think about the results of a few of the possible solutions
(4) Have them decide on one solution and try it out
(5) Talk with them about how their solution worked out. 
   For example: 
      Child says: Billy won’t play with me
      Parent says: You’re feeling left out. What could you do about it?
      Child says: Well, I could beat him up
      Parent says: What else could you do?
      Child says: I could just stay home and play leggos, or I could go to Jimmy’s house!
      Parent says: Which idea do you think might work best?
      Child says: I’d like to beat him up!
      Parent says: What might happen if you did that? 
      Child says: He’d probably hit me back, and I’d just get in trouble anyway.
      Parent says: What about your other ideas?
      Child says:  If I play leggos, I’d still be alone. I think I’ll go to Jimmy’s!
      (Later) Parent asks child how that worked out. Then, “Do you still think that was
      better than beating him up?”

4. Be Clear, Consistent and Firm
Be clear.  The more clear you can make your rules, the better chance your child has to know exactly what you want from them. It’s always worthwhile to explain again, even if you think they really know what you mean. 

      Example: “I want all the dishes, glasses, and utensils that are in the sink after dinner washed,
      dried and carefully put where they belong.” 

Be consistent.  Make a set of rules, and stick with the same ones as much as possible. Just like practicing a new skill in school the same way over and over, the consistent repetition of expectations at home is what helps children learn what they’re supposed to do.

      Example: “It’s the same as I said yesterday. I want all the dishes, glasses, and utensils that are
      in the sink after dinner washed, dried and carefully put where they belong.” 

Be firm. Finally, it is important to stick with what you want from your children, even when they show resistance to what you’re asking. “Being Firm” means two things: first, not giving in to excuses, arguments, etc.; second, not becoming harsh or angry, but simply insisting on the task being completed.

      Example: “I know you have a lot of homework tonight, but this is your job for the family. Please
      wash, dry and put away the dishes just the way you did them last night.”

5. When possible, use “Logical Consequences”
   to Encourage Children to Make Responsible Decisions
Sometimes, punishment is required to quickly stop a destructive or harmful behavior. The goal of punishment is to enforce compliance with the rules by using external controls or authoritarian discipline.  While effective in stopping the misbehavior of the moment, punishment does little to increase the child’s sense of responsibility. Also, it is well-known that punishment often leads to feelings of anger, discouragement and resentment and an increase in evasion and deception.

Alternatively, the use of logical consequences is intended to help children develop internal understanding, self-control, and a desire to follow the rules. 
 

“Logical Consequences” refers to not simply making the punishment fit the crime, but making the consequence be a device for teaching the appropriate behavior. The example above, under #1, was, “(Please) clean up your toys. I’m busy fixing dinner (tired when I get home from working all day, etc.) so I don’t have the time to clean them up. So, if they’re still here when I come back, I’ll put them away for a few days. That way, I won’t have to clean them up every day!

Logical consequences help children look more closely at their behaviors and consider the results of their choices and their effect on others.
Unlike punishment, where the intention is to make a child feel shamed, the intention of logical consequences is to help children develop internal controls and to learn from their mistakes in a supportive atmosphere.

Logical consequences are respectful of the child’s dignity while punishment often calls upon an element of shame. They respond to the misbehavior in ways that preserve the dignity of the child. The message is that the behavior is a problem, not that the child themselves, because logical consequences are related to the child’s behavior; punishment usually is not.

A parent’s tone of voice is critical in distinguishing logical consequences from punishment. There are many ways to say to a child that they’ve spilled their juice and should clean it up. If the tone is angry or punitive, then it’s no longer a logical consequence.

Logical consequences often require that the parent find out more information before reacting. The parent takes time to assess the situation and determine, sometimes with input from the child, what will help fix the problem. Using the same example, the parent might find out that the friend or brother was also playing and left things a mess. Now, there is the chance to help the solve an important social problem- how to get someone else to share responsibility: using the problem-solving steps from #3, above: “Well, let’s think about what you could say to Johnny next time so that you don’t have to do all the work. But you still need to clean up now, because I’m still too busy, tired, etc.”

Here are a few questions parents might ask themselves when trying to assess a situation:
      Is it clear to the child what was expected?
      What rule is being broken?
      What problem is the behavior creating?
      What will help to solve the problem?

The use of logical consequences helps children fix their mistakes and know what to do next time.

Parents frequently ask, "Is it ever okay for a child to feel bad about their behavior?" Of course it is. When children misbehave, chances are they already feel bad. And, sometimes, parents need to temporarily help their child feel badly about something they’ve done, because the child simply does not recognize the effect of their action on someone else.  But, in the long run, and in most situations, our job is not to make them feel worse but to help them choose a better course of action the next time.

As Ruth Sidney Charney says in Teaching Children to Care, "Our goal, when children break rules, is never to make them feel ‘bad’ or defeated, although they may, in fact, feel bad. Our goal is first to help them recover self-control and self-respect.

Adapted from several sources, including RS Charney, Teaching Children to Care, and Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline